And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize