he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
