Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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