Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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