I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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