I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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