just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
