I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
