mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
