Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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