Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
