I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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