I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize