Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
