"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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