This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
