I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
