i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
