lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
