I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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