Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
