My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
