I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Sorry about my life...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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