I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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