I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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