So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
