I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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