Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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