Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
