Ketchup is God's man juice
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize