She is in my trunk
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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