I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
