I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I intend to get homeless drunk
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
