On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
