dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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