god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I need to stop coming to work sober
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
