yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
