Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
