there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
