He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
