Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
