I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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