i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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