How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
