you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
