his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
