I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
