The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
