woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
