did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
are you so shy because you have an std?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
