i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
