Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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