dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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