ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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