awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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