Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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