i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
