If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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