I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
