My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Small penises have feelings too.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
how drunk are you?
Several
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
