my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Ketchup is God's man juice
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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