I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
