hotel room ftw
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
