my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
