Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
