I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
