I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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