i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
