she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
