my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
