I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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