this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
