What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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