my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
