Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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